Comparing the Ninja Raps

Next week will be the premiere of the first live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie since the abysmal 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.

As part of the film's marketing and soundtrack, a single titled Shell Shocked by Juicy J, Whiz Khalifa and Ty Dolla $ign was released a few weeks back, blasting our ears with delightful EDM and unforgettable lyrics such as "all my brothers want some cheddar, we all want a cut like the Shredder". This, however, was not the first time that a rap number was a part of a live action TMNT soundtrack. In 1991, when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze came out, audiences were treated to a rap song simply entitled Ninja Rap, made by the Iceman himself. 

No, not these guys

So, which is the better ninja rap? Let's start with the title. The title of the new ninja rap is a bad pun about shells, which normally would not be a good indicator, but it's certainly more memorable and creative than Vanilla Ice's exceptionally bland Ninja Rap title, so point goes to the new. Lyrically speaking, both songs aren't really about the Ninja Turtles, but rather about Vanilla Ice and the trio of Juicy J, Whiz Khalifa and Ty Dolla $ign bragging about themselves, with a few TMNT references sprinkled in for good measure. That being said, Shell Shocked does make more of an effort to incorporate those references and make them somewhat clever. For instance, the orange Lamborghini that the three buy is apparently called Michelangelo and has nunchuck doors. Also, the "green" in the rapper's pockets is like turtle power. Well, okay, that's not very good, but the other two verses do a much better job of both relaying the basic concept of the Ninja Turtles, while also blatantly referring to the rappers themselves. The idea of family and the bond of brothers is particularly well conveyed in the second verse (although Khalifa's continuing refusal to rhyme is somewhat distracting) and reinforced in the chorus, and using the Turtles' emergence from the sewers as a metaphor for starting from the bottom and becoming a hero/celebrity is a neat idea that's handled pretty well too. Towards the end of the third verse things start to fall apart, though, with lyrics like "bandana on my face like a gangster" and a couple of lines that imply the turtles share their girlfriends It's sloppy, but overall, there was clearly effort put into these lyrics. There's also clearly effort put into the Iceman's rap, but... well, it's Vanilla Ice. He mentions the ninja turtles, the fact that there is four of them and that villains should run away. The rest is mostly generic bragging about how good of a rapper he is, which is unintentionally hilarious.  At one point he even proudly and completely non-ironically proclaims "Lyrics fill in the gap", a line so brilliant it surely inspired Robin Thicke's mind-boggling "What rhymes with hug me?" decades later. Unlike Shell Shocked, the references are sparse, poorly integrated and clearly not the focus, so again, point goes to the new. It's not that different thematically, but it simply does its thing a lot better. 

When it comes to the beat, though, both songs couldn't be more different. They're both very catchy, but while Ninja Rap has a very corny, dorky beat that matches the Iceman's signature lackluster delivery, Shell Shocked has a dark, hard-hitting beat, heavily influenced by EDM. That sense of aggression is in the title and chorus as well. Even if it is a groan-worthy pun, "Knock knock, you're about to get shell shocked" is still a pretty nasty, mean-spirited threat. That sort of attitude was extremely off-putting to me when I first heard the song and in a way, it still is. When you listen to the song in its entirety, you start to get into it and appreciate the lyrics more, but it starts off very much in your face. It's very thuggish, which granted, seems to match the design of the new Turtles, but it doesn't mesh with my idea of them. The Iceman's ninja rap is goofy and upbeat and it lures you instantly with its non-threatening silliness - and that's what I think when I hear Ninja Turtles: silly. Regardless of which version of the characters you go with, there's always going to be something inherently silly about four mutated turtles who are trained in martial arts by a giant mutated rat. Unintentionally or not, Ninja Rap celebrates and embraces that silliness in its music, conveying a sense of joy a goofiness that's sorely lacking from the new rap. On the other hand, Ninja Rap lacks any of the menace or the strong brotherly bond of Shell Shocked, which are also important aspects of the Turtles as characters. Maybe somewhere down the line we'll have some ultimate Ninja Turtles rap. One that combines the best of Ninja Rap with the best of Shell Shocked, acknowledging and embracing the silliness and goofy antics of the characters, while also showing that they can be tough and menacing. 

As it stands, even though in all aspects Shell Shocked is superior to Ninja Rap, what with its tighter lyrics and better understanding of the characters, or at least certain aspects of them, I still prefer the Iceman's version. It's my Ninja Turtle jam of choice, simply because I find it more fun and enjoyable to listen to. I get the same kind of "so bad, it's good" vibe from it that I get from Ice, Ice, Baby. 

Regardless of which version of ninja rapping floats your boat, I think we call agree that it is absolutely inexcusable that neither one mentions pizzas. Seriously, what's up with that?

P.S. Ninja Rap is also not the first rap song about the Turtles, as Partners in Kryme made Turtle Power for the original live-action movie's soundtrack. However, Ninja Rap is the one most people remember, most likely because Vannila Ice appears in the movie and sings it, essentially integrating a music video into the film. When people say "the ninja turtles rap" they usually mean Ninja Rap, which is why I chose to compare it to Shell Shocked.